Lying Bastard

Cooper Green

Rebooting The Nutbar

"Decades ago I discovered a cure for mental health problems  ..."

There is a certain joy to be experienced when one stumbles across the utterings of a complete wacko on the internet, and it is difficult to conclude that Dr. Adam Kadir-Buxton is anything but a jaybird-crazy brainfart of the first order.  What is particularly delicious is that he has discovered a simple cure for craziness that any well-meaning friend can perform for his addled pal in the comfort of his own kitchen or den, in the time it takes for a commercial break.  No muss, no fuss.  Crazy person cures crazy person, and there's no need to miss a pitch, a one-liner, or a news update. 

You would be wise to review Dr. Kadir-Buxton's procedures before trying this at home, since it involves knocking your crazy friend senseless for a few seconds while his brain reboots.  You'd also be smart to put down a pillow or two, and maybe have your friend sign a waiver in case you clobber him incorrectly (although how much weight a waiver written by one dingbat and signed by another will carry in court might be open to question).  Dr. Kadir-Buxton conducts a simple test to ensure that the subject is being de-crazified in the correct manner: have your village cuckoo stand on one foot and carry a rose in his hand, while you make kind of a faux-fist with each hand and bash him on the temples until his eyes roll back in his head.  If your coconut remains standing, and doesn't drop the rose, you have done it correctly.  You can now carry on an intelligent conversation with the cured patient, who now no longer thinks he is Napoleon, and has no further need for a tinfoil beanie.  If you have performed the maneuver incorrectly, however, you will have to deal with an unconscious lunatic lying on your kitchen floor, drooling into the cat dish.  In this event it might be best simply to replace his tinfoil covering and wait for him to regain consciousness, at which point you can resume your discussion about how best to proceed with your attack once the Russian winter sets in.

The Kadir-Buxton Method is disarmingly simple.  It's a wonder that this remedy for insanity hasn't swept round the world in the decades since the good Doctor discovered it.  I'm also compelled to wonder how his discovery revealed itself, once he determined that whacking dingalings might be a good idea.  His To-Do list would have been intriguing:

• Find a crazy person
• Get him to agree that he's crazy.  Give him a rose, and tell him to stand one one foot.
• Hammer him senseless.
• When he wakes up, ask him if he still feels crazy.

I can't imagine any other response than, "Nope, feeling fine now, Doc.  Thanks for your help.  Here's some tinfoil, if you're baking.  Wow, is that the time?  Gotta run!"  No wonder Dr. K-B was so encouraged, with a 100% cure rate virtually guaranteed.

The man is a miracle worker, there's no question.  Next: we'll discover how Dr. Kadir-Buxton unblocks fallopian tubes in infertile women, a condition that can be caused by lemonade, and is frequently the result of having lesbians at universities.

I bet you think I'm making this up.

posted by: coopergreen at October 17, 2007 14:18 | link | comments (13) |

Comments:

#1  17 October 2007 - 17:09

 

What ever happened to Catch-22? His method sounds like, "1, 2, 3 you’re out! Here, smell this. How many fingers am I holding up? Twenty-seven! Good! Your okay! Get up!” - coffeypot

Anonymous

#2  18 October 2007 - 03:56

 

i love the headline of his site: "Making The World A Better Place".

i'm so glad there are people like him with an eye on the bigger picture.

he needs to come to st. george. we have SO many people for him to cure!

one

#3  18 October 2007 - 05:02

 

I lean toward the gullable side, so even though the title of your blog is Lying Bastard, so I will be Googling this guy immediately after I tell you how much I'm still laughing from reading your post. Now, I've got to start my research.

Anonymous

#4  18 October 2007 - 05:03

 

I didn't mean to say so - so many times.

Anonymous

#5  18 October 2007 - 06:53

 

Too late, Lady, excessive "so"-ing is a sure sign of mental illness. I see that One's comment reveals that she suffers from the same debilitating disease. You two should get together and thump each other senseless.

coopergreen

#6  18 October 2007 - 10:38

 

Hell, it works in Saturday morning cartoons.

Pooklekufr

#7  19 October 2007 - 03:16

 

i musta missed that memo

one

#8  22 October 2007 - 17:09

 

advanced treatment calls for an anvil

rustymadgal

#9  22 October 2007 - 18:43

 

Anvil ... upside the head? That would cure two conditions: mental illness and breathing.

coopergreen

#10  03 November 2008 - 14:08

 

I think some of you have an excess of IQ that might be better used to take over the world, or something. Ha!

RomaCittaEterna

#11  03 December 2009 - 05:37

 

hi nice site

Anonymous

#12  05 February 2010 - 06:07

 

He is a starnge person, as rare as a viagra online campaing in the north pole !

Anonymous

#13  11 February 2010 - 13:06

 

you're wrong!! he doesn't appear in any generic viagra campaing !

Anonymous

Comments: