Lying Bastard

Cooper Green

The Cerebral Doinker: I

Dobbins replaced the 50mv capacitor with a 100mv beauty he had hauled out of a mobile Newtonian reflecting telescope the previous week. “Take a look here, Dave, I’m putting in a shunt here, just a little safety measure, because I’m just not sure,” he said to Dave the Helper. “I’m not sure at all, Dave.  This all looks fine and dandy, but I can’t be completely sure here, Dave.  You follow me Dave?”  Dave’s nod assured Dobbins that Dave followed him.

“This is an iffy thing we’re doing here, Dave, an iffy thing.  Pioneer work, that’s what it is.  I don’t want things to go badly here, Dave, even though I’m not worried at all, not the least little bit, but you can never be too careful.  Catch my drift there, Dave?”  Dave acknowledged the catching of the Professor’s drift.

“Here’s the thing, Dave.  Here’s where I really need you.  You need to be vigilant, Dave, understand?”  Dave nodded; he understood.  “You and I, we’re only going to have a fraction of a second to respond if things go … not quite right.  Got that, Dave?”  Dave got that. “Vigilance, Dave, that’s the key.  Vigilance.  And here’s the thing.  It is vitally important … critical, actually … that you stay well inside the Zone Of The Ethers for the entire time that the transmogrification procedure is underway.  Critical, Dave, absolutely critical.  Are you with me here, Dave?”

Dave the Helper blinked rapidly and involuntarily, feeling the pressure mount.  ”You can count on me, Professor Dobbins.  I will stay well inside the Zone Of The Ethers for the entire time that the transmogrification procedure is underway.”  

“Good fellow, Dave, there’s a good fellow.  Here we go then.  Ready, Dave?”  Dave indicated that he was ready.  Professor Dobbins adjusted the capacitor settings until the Zone Of The Ethers radiated to a distance of just under 1.7 metres, the threshold distance.  Dave the Helper’s eyelids blinked a frantic rhythm.  Dobbins tapped the tiny rheostat with a fingernail to test its soundness, firm within its housing near the coil, and inserted a 30v in-line fuse that would accept the increased power that he had determined was necessary for a successful result. He worked anxiously, encouraged by the response he had received from the AMA. “While the truly functional Cerebral Doinker remains a scientist’s dream, your bypass schematics show a promise that has apparently escaped the imaginations of previous researchers” they had said. Made him tingle, that did.

Professor Dobbins raised his voice, to be heard above the capacitor’s whine.  “Ready, Dave?”  Dave was ready.  “Are you within the Zone Of The Ethers?”  Dave indicated that he was within the Zone Of The Ethers.  “Good man, Dave, good man.  Be ready for anything, and don’t forget to stay well inside the Zone Of The Ethers for the entire time.”  Dave communicated his accord with this plan.

“Here we go, then,” said Professor Dobbins.  Carefully placing the electrodes under his eyelids, Dobbins instructed Dave the Helper to engage the solenoid.  Dave the Helper did as instructed. Then, with Professor Dobbins’s vision impaired, Dave rapidly retreated out of the room to the janitorial closet, some eighteen metres down the adjacent hallway.  Even from that distance, far outside the Zone Of The Ethers, Dave could tell that things were not going well.

From his vantage point well inside the Zone Of The Ethers, Professor Dobbins was dealing with the less attractive effects of the transmogrification procedure.  His polyester socks disappeared almost immediately, fusing visibly to his ankles. His eyes sizzled, then popped, splattering vitreous fluid on the Doinker fuselage. Dobbins gasped, his blistered tongue darting from between his lips as each of the stubs of hair on his shaved head emitted a tiny coil of blue smoke. After several seconds the 30v in-line fuse arrested the current, and the prototype Cerebral Doinker sat silent.  Dave the Helper returned to room.  Professor Dobbins’s flesh bubbled merrily.

“Probably a bigger shunt next time, maybe,” proffered Dave the Helper. “Professor Dobbins?” He nudged the grilled corpse with the toe of his Birkenstock.  Several of the professor’s body parts fell away.  “Professor Dobbins? A little bigger shunt, that’s what I’m thinking. Good effort, though, Sir.  You should be proud.”

posted by: coopergreen at March 03, 2006 13:27 | link | comments (6) |

Comments:

#1  03 March 2006 - 13:33

 

i cant believe it!!! yippie!

rustymadgal

#2  03 March 2006 - 14:03

 

I apprecate the enthusiasm, Rusty, thanks for being so attentive. That's what I missed, not enough people fawning over me in real life.

coopergreen

#3  03 March 2006 - 14:50

 

You're featured post! is that enough fawning? dont stay away so long this time.

rustymadgal

#4  03 March 2006 - 15:10

 

I hope that this is not just a drive-by posting and that we can expect more of this entertaining drivel from you! I think the problem with the Prof's transmogrifier was the lack of the old refrigerator box component.

howard

#5  03 March 2006 - 18:50

 

I'll be damned--welcome back!

JustMe63

#6  06 March 2006 - 05:35

 

Hmph. My money was on 18 months. I feel cheated.

Anonymous

Comments: